Dead. By Graham Walker.

Dead Bird Walking.
Part 1 of 2.
By Graham Walker.
Edited By Uncle Monty.
Story Graphics By Alex Albion.
As a celebrity, these days much of Mr (A. John)
Bird’s income is derived from inspirational talks at
business seminars and after-dinner speeches.
Having witnessed him performing, he’s good,
damn good!
His introduction usually starts off by disabling his
audience with a sharp, verbal, power-pointed C.V.
that includes his short stint in an orphanage, his
childhood, his spell on the streets, his fraudulence,
his thuggery, his criminal background, finishing
with his social rebirth and via the Big Issue, his
entrepreneurial renaissance.
This not only leads his now receptive listeners to fully
appreciate his earthy origins but also his pseudo-
altruistic approach to helping the homeless, or in
business terms - how to get blood out of a stone!
I can only describe John Bird as an orator of merit;
aggressively elegant, mockingly mischievous,
an entertainer, a showman, a ‘shockjock.’
He delivers in an authoritative, passionate-bordering
on (the) desperate, ‘I’d sell me own muvver’ sort
of style. And although most of his speeches are sadly
tainted with statistically dubious content, this is more
than compensated by peppering them
with right
wing, beat ‘em into submission–type rhetoric,
which invariably leaves the audience
absolutely spellbound.
Now there may be some criticism levied at me that,
in this article, I might be cherry-picking certain state-
ments and also perhaps, I have taken Mr. Bird’s quotes
out of context. The first might indeed contain a nano of
truth. The second? You decide. These, after all,
are not my statements, they are those of Mr Bird.
Known as "TheBigIssueMan," Graham Walker
is decidedly anti-Big Issue and anti-John Bird.
John Bird on the class system:
I have been very unfortunate to marry into
posh families - three times - and I was
astonished at how they wrote so badly.” °
“I’m middle class. I got out of the working class
as quick as I could. The working class is violent and
abusive, they beat their wives and I hate their culture!

A psychiatrist once told me, ‘I’ve never once got
an Englishman to admit he’s middle-class’.”
As the owner of The Big Issue company, Mr Bird is
more aware than most, of the prejudice, misconceptions
and generalisations the homeless have to contend with
on a daily basis. I’m absolutely certain he’s savvy and
intelligent enough not to fall into that old trap.
Consequently, I think it’s safe to assume he’s talking
fact and knows intimately, each and every one of the
(estimated 15 million) ‘violent, uncultured’
working class.
“Products such as Carlsberg Special brew are
destroying the lives of problem drinkers. . . .
The firms that brew these lagers are a despicable
bunch of thugs.”
(Mr Bird reminiscing on the Big Issue’s first
Christmas when they held a party for its vendors
in the crypt of St-Martin-in the–Fields.)
“My brother (Peter Bird?) brought in 400 cans of
Special Brew. It was the most unbelievably maddest
office Christmas party I’ve ever been to. It took
seven hours to get everyone out. St Martin's said
we were an embarrassment to those who wanted
to help the homeless.”
John Bird on John Bird:
“Whether it’s burglary, just bluffing my way through,
or really making it, I have experienced getting away
with it in a variety of fields and know how to teach
others to do the same.”
“I’m a bit like Jesus Christ.”
“I’m an annoying geezer.”
John Bird: Yet, Another
UK "Champagne Socialist."
John Bird on Politicians:

“. . . the white, middle-class, liberals like Shirley

Williams and all those other mother-f**kers. I

absolutely loathe them. They stole from from

the poor and called it Social Security.”

“I’m a bit like Maggie Thatcher. . . . Norman

Tebbit introduced me to her.”

John Bird on the Big Issue:
“I started the Big Issue for the scumbags, the people

who would creep into your home at night and rob you,

the people who would sell you a piece of their ass if you

wanted it. The Big Issue is more revolutionary than

Engells, Lenin, Stalin, or Trotsky; they didn’t know

what they were talking about.”

John Bird on conflict:
The only way to get some peace is after a good

war. I hate peaceniks. Is there peace in Northern

Ireland? Yes, because a lot of people died.

Was there peace after Hitler?

Yes, it was paid for in dead soldiers.”

John Bird on Family:
“There are only a handful of people like me in Britain . . .

I have a future, not like my elder brothers who are either

dead through drink or drugs or living in high rise hells on

the edge of town, hating blacks and Jews. F**king scumbags.

I’ve got nieces and nephews who I’d speak to in a foreign

accent so they wouldn’t know it was me if they rang up.”

John Bird on the homeless:

“They are feckless, unreliable ... scumbags.

Addicts who are unable to wash or

feed themselves. They should be sectioned ...

put behind bars if necessary.”


John Bird in Big Issue vendors:

“They are the most unreliable workforce on God’s earth”.

Let me say: How dare you! Of course they’re unreliable!

They’re “addicts, feckless, scumbags!” What on ‘God’s

Earth’ do you expect? Vendors arriving at the office at

8.55 am, dressed in a natty suit, starched shirt, a neatly

folded copy of The Times tucked under their arm and a

muesli and orange juice breakfast nestling comfortably

in their stomachs, all eager to put in an eight

hour shift on the streets?

John Bird on the poor:
“I don’t give a f**k for the poor.”


Next: Part Two of Graham Walker's "Dead Bird Walking."

Edited By Uncle Monty. http://thebiggerissue.org/

John & Peter Bird Not Found, Of Course, Among
London’s 1,000 Most Influential People.


14 (From 0 to 13) Reference Quotes Herein

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Anonymous said...

Bird sounds like a big cunt ///

chiochio - said...

graham mate - what a bird nutt .. he's a bigger arsehole than i thought he was
who does he think he is
he comes from the gutter himself
so what makes him look down on
bird speaks for the homeless, ah.
he's a false prophet; a bag of wind; cares only for himself; and
does not represent me as a old former rough sleeper. i wish i had never sold the big issue. he is venom only - chiochoi -

123.com said...

It's your bad attitude that is the problem and not John Bird's. Get a proper job. That should solve your problem. Stop calling yourself "The Big Issue Man." You don't represent it. Basically, all you are is a ignorant arse. Go
fuck yourself, "Mr" Graham. 123.com